An swedish americans road to sweden

Sometimes the past can never be forgot and forgiven

2012-02-06T01:08:00.000-08:00

I learned something about a pair I know after a "birdie landed on my shoulder" recently. I found this information rather disturbing and I knew what the information signaled.

I thought by keeping my distance from this pair that the past would remain in the past and I could start to move on. I've learned from my dreams that I am still immensely angry at this pair. The never ending dramas, all the help I gave over the last ten years unappreciated and the poor treatment overall. Their toxicity unfortunately has affected an innocent soul who was always treated like crap. They do not understand why this aforementioned soul never calls, never thinks about them. When a trip to Las Vegas they intentionally attempted to hide is more important, they too should be given such consideration.

What I've come to realize through my dreams is that I can not get that time back. No matter how angry or upset I am, they will never accept the responsibility for their end of this titanic sized wreck and the toll it took. Apologies will no longer suffice and there is always the bad guys--whom is never them.

So now the situation is here and somehow I am supposed to believe that no one will get hurt. The reality is long ago that there was a long discussion regarding reaction should this time come. There has been enough suffering, anger and frustration. Now it is time to shield, protect and move on.

I am not the same person you knew before and you may not like how I got here today. While that fateful trip to Sweden last May paved the way, I blame what you did as a strong part of what happened. I may be polite as so I was raised but do not mistake my kindness as acceptance of what you've done.

You know your time is short and you've admitted you have burnt too many bridges. The bed is made and so you will lay. So it will be and the price will be paid.

I am not really so sad after all. I am traveling the world, speak several languages, attending a Swedish university and of course, Harvard. I've paid for it on my own..

I've done three times what you've done in your lifetime. . I am not the one looking back and regretting it. Peace.

The end of the beginning

2012-01-01T18:22:00.000-08:00

I finished my last Swedish lesson with Rosetta Stone today. The completion of the course does not simply signify Swedish conversation speaking skills. It highlights all the life changing events that occurred in 2011. I knew this day would come but I do not think I was prepared for it.

I took some time late last month to reflect on 2011. The trips, the changes and all I went through to stand where I am today. I'm still dealing with some very mixed emotions. While things have quieted down a bit, I'm exhausted from all I have experienced because I continue to evolve from my experiences.

I start a new chapter with great enthusiasm and a feeling that 2012 will equal or trump 2011. I hope to look back in twelve months as much stronger communicator and tying up ends to make my move.

2011: From there to here.

2011-11-15T23:46:00.000-08:00

Normally, I would write this post a few days before December 31st. I am quite busy lately and figured I better finish this before the holidays. I've thought long and hard on my walks; this has been a world wind year.

If you would have asked in January, 2011, if I would be standing where I am today, I would politely disagree. I was a caterpillar wrapped in my cocoon. I couldn't speak a full sentence in Swedish, I did not for see a several trip scandinavian excursion and I did not for see my personal life change so drastically as it has. I guess in some ways, I needed this. It was very clear in late May that I needed to make drastic changes and grow dramatically. In 2011, I shook every aspect of my life.

I remember those long walks over the summer. I would rise at 5 am and sit by the Charles River. I sat there and pondered not only all that I experienced in Sweden--deep inside myself. I had a lot of esteem issues, issues with my diabetic diagnosis, condition, the local medical community and my past and future. I would walk for two hours at night in frustration that people looked through me and did not know who I was anymore.

I've mourned the person who died before the diabetic diagnosis and I've dealt with the immense anger of this disease. My anger is not so much with the disease than the current state of health care in the states. I've learned how people misunderstand diabetes. I've learned that I can take care of myself and my disease. I've learned to speak up for my health care and I've witnessed just how terrific socialized health care really is.

For the period I remain in this country, I will always live in fear of losing my health insurance. I've come to accept that for myself to see my elder years, I must relocate. All I can do is continue down my path, stockpile supplies and act to take care of myself regardless of the medical community.

I've paid for this change in lost of friendship. People wanted the old Julie who fought foolishly and acted immaturely. While I am sad to see friendships end, these experiences have taught me to move slower and careful in the future.

I've realized my biggest changes came three fold this year:

1) Sweden. I fell in love with the mother land. I am forever changed because of my trips and again, so much of my life instantly made sense. While I struggle at times with the language because of the complexity, it is a very rewarding experience to study a language and communicate successfully.

I've also been blessed to have new friends who are not Swedish and learning the language. It is an honor to help when asked and I am honored they are learning the language.

2) The biggest change I saw in myself this year happened this past week. I experience panic attacks with medical professionals. I had a doctors appointment last week, I felt the panic---attack. As I filled out the medical forms, I had to fight the urge to leave. I knew if I left, I would have no medication. I closed my eyes and pictured myself walking in Sweden and calmed down. I went into the exam room with the same technique. I finally felt that I could conquer this issue. A very empowering moment.

While I look forward to 2012 personally, I am greatly concerned about the changes that will come as a consequence of the near depression American economy. I fully expect to find myself deal hunting regularly as a safety net while on my journey to Sweden!

Trevligt Helg!

The American health care system and one of the more important reasons I want to move to Sweden

2011-11-04T21:23:00.000-07:00

Ugh. Where do I start this...well...rant? My dislike of the American health care system started May, 2009, when I went in for blood tests. I had bad panic attacks, drank three gallons of water a day and lost sixty pounds in three months. That night, I received a phone call to come to the office the next day. My blood sugar was 455. I went to the doctors office the next day and had tests done to see if I had ketones (or body eating fat because it can not process glucose correctly). That night, I received a phone call to go to the ER. My ketones were sky high. I remember that visit. I sat on the gurney shaking violently and telling people to get away from me. I had two terrible panic attacks. Once I received a little insulin via IV and re hydrated, I felt better and was sent home. I went to the pharmacy at 2 am for my medicines and left for vacation five hours later.

For four months, I knew something was wrong. I have previous medical training so I knew when I heard the word "ketoacidosis" that this was type 1 diabetes, not type 2. Of course, my old PCP insisted I was type 2 because of the family members who have it. I had enough of being treated second class via nursing visits only. I went to my first Endocrinologist. She ran blood tests for antibodies ultrasound for my thyroid. The blood test for the antibodies came back not a little high, I am talking off the charts high. I needed a thyroid biopsy. It was fun to lay on a gurney while enduring 30 different needles in my neck! See when I was born, I was born with a toxic goiter. I am a history making baby. I am the first baby to survive a toxic goiter. True fact! I was due to have thyroid problems some time in my lifetime. That s the reality of the situation.

After all the tests came back fine, I asked for a copy of my medical records so I had a personal set. I read the doctors note and I noted she made a comment about a regular soda sitting in her office during her consultation. She mentioned that I had the gall to drink regular soda as a diabetic. I was furious when I read this. My son was with me during the visit and the drink was his. I hate regular soda. It tastes like sugary syrup in a can. I knew after reading her notes that I had to move on (good thing as she moved far away from my home so I would have moved on anyways).

I wrote a long letter to the state medical board in regards to the PCP who originally misdiagnosed me. The state board felt my case had merit and explored it further. After all, the doctor lost a huge lawsuit only two years before (I found this information while I wrote the original complaint letter). After a lengthy letter from the doctor stating that I did not give her a chance to correct this, the state, to my shock, closed my complaint.

I started to feel quite terrible late last year. Terrible indigestion and my then new Endo ran blood tests much to my chagrin. She did not believe my A1C nor the blood test results from the original Endo. Again, same tests, same results. This time, she noticed I was anemic. It progressed until May of this year when I saw a doctor in Göteburg, Sweden, who diagnosed Celiacs disease. I saw five American doctors from 2010/9-2011/5 who could not diagnose this condition. Not only did I bleed from the Celiac's, the medicine I've taken to this date has caused a secondary bleeding. Despite complaining to my Endo, I figured out what caused this secondary bleeding. Let me state I was a mess in April and May. The anemia tooks its toll on me mentally and physically.

So, I had planned to get off this medicine this month, have my current meds refilled and rely solely on insulin. I called the Endos office and guess what? She is no longer a provider on my PPO insurance. She can't help. So, I spent the afternoon calling Endocrinologists all over. I can't get into any until late January and no help with refills. I booked an appointment with a new Endo. I was told to call my PCP. I called my PCP and guess what? She is no longer a provider under the PPO and can not help me. I called PCPs in the area. All again booked until February. I found three who are not booked to February. But two are now following a new trend in American medicine.

They accept standard health insurance BUT the patient has to pay a $1750 to $5000 yearly fee to see the doctor. I almost fell on the floor. WHAT??

Hello!!?? What has happened to American health care other than a pure disaster? Many Americans have heard the stories of people dying because it was not in the best interest of health insurance. Doctors are working for corporations that care about their bottom line and now pay to be a patient?

Where is the honor in being a medical professional in America? The oath to help the sick no matter their ability to pay?

One of the reasons I must leave America is because I am a liability to american health insurance companies. A condition my great grandfather from Skåne had, passed to me and I had no control. It does not matter that I've walked so much over the last four months that I have literally worn through my shoes. It does not matter that I stay on top of my blood sugar number. I am not a person, I am a disease to many.

I have stockpiled lancets, needles and A1c kits. Unfortunately, there are so many americans with inadequate or no health insurance that expired test strips cause a bidding war on Ebay. This is one area I am trying to work on because the additional 600.00 a year for test strips through insurance and the worry the benefit will disappear is taking a toll on me.

I love Sweden and really want to bring the family home. However, I have to move back for my own well being. I sense the clock is ticking for my health care and I will not become a causality of the health care racket.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BV-6DXLxvZg&feature=related

A must read article!

2011-10-26T16:31:00.000-07:00

This is a great article on a Swedish American who found his family in Sweden. It also discusses how the internet has made the research easier.

http://www.nordstjernan.com/news/swedish%20emigration/3762/

House cleaning and the effects of the economy.

2011-10-24T16:18:00.000-07:00

When I returned from my first trip to Sweden, I conducted a major house cleaning. I felt too cluttered compared to the simple lifestyle I had experienced. I donated 12 large bags of items ranging from cloths to toys. I sorted items that I wanted to sell either on Ebay or Craigslist. I noticed that my nearly new or new items did not sell as easily as I had hoped. I was so busy preparing for our recent trip to Sweden that I shrugged it off.

In the last week, I found items that I missed during my sweep: my brand new Dooney and Bourke and matching wallet, my sons Super Mario costume and an Ipod that I had long forgotten about. I listed the purse, wallet and costume on Ebay. I listed the Ipod on Craigslist. The costume sold well at $10 but the purse and wallet retailing around $150-$170 closed for $35.98 before any Pay Pal and Ebay fees. A person replied to my Ipod ad immediately and did not proceed. I have not received any further responses.

Clearly, the economy is affecting peoples spending habits. While I rarely pay full price, it is very disappointing to see the purse and wallet sell for so little. It is also very disappointing that others are using my auctions as layaway. The person who purchased the costume a week ago has not paid despite two warning that if I did not receive payment quickly that I could not guarantee the item would arrive by Halloween.

I've been known to find great clearance and resell for whatever the Ebay market decides to pay. Last weekend, I found a boys Ralph Lauren big horse t-shirt for $3.98 at Macy's. Last year, I walked to garage sales near my home and scooped up all the cheaper new in box items I could find and resold them. This is a great way for me to save for my schooling, a home I plan to purchase in Sweden and eventually pay for my one way ticket to Sweden. It allows me to teach my son how to shop smartly, we have fun doing these things together and once in a while, he gets a little treat ;).

I may go back in a few weeks to Macy's and pick up a few items in hopes that I can sell some stuff for the Christmas season with the ability to return if necessary.I am really hesitant this year--the market is just too violate.

Welcome! (välkomna!)

2011-10-10T22:25:00.000-07:00

I think it is appropriate to begin this blog with a short history of myself and an explanation as to why I want to move to Sweden.

My grandparents on both sides of the family moved from Skåne, Sweden to Chicago, Illinois.Skåne is a popular area to non swedes to visit and known as the place where natives can not understand Skåneska or the Skåne mixed Swedish and Danish accent. As a swede I used to know once said "People from Skåne speak like they have porridge in their mouth!" Every Swede I've told this to has laughed uncontrollably.

My paternal grandparents lived in Rockford,Illinois before they moved to Florida and passed on. My maternal grandmother died when I was four. Of course, as a typical swede, she put ketchup on all the food she served us. My maternal grandfather remained in Chicago until he passed away in 1989.

My grandparents never spoke any swedish to us past a song here and there in the tongue. My paternal grandmother could sing a handful of songs in swedish. My parents do not speak swedish. My brother and I are the first generation since our great grandparents to speak minimally conversational swedish.

We grew up in a swedish home. The doors in my parents home were shut for privacy when there were visitors. It was not uncommon to have a swede visit from sweden. We were taught to be quiet in public, well mannered and christmas time was an adventure. My parents would take us to Andersonville in Chicago to go to the swedish museum, swedish deli and the bakery for limpa bread! I have such fond and vivid memories of those times. I am sad to report that Andersonville is no longer largely swedish but the museum is still there as well as a block of swedish shops.

I've been asked why I did not go to Sweden or investigated my heritage before. I've thought long and hard about this topic. The answer is (1) I grew up in the states and (2) I've been searching. In america, unless someone is native american, their family came from elsewhere in the world. For the typical american, it is common to hear "I am half irish, half polish" or "I am a quarter polish and 3/4's russian". To me, I thought it was cool to be swedish because let's face it people worldwide are intrigued with swedes. I subscribed to the mentality that I live in america so why need I live elsewhere? I've searched for the values I grew up with. That down to earth, modest behavior. This became very pronounced when I moved to boston and noticed the antithetical.

When I finally went to sweden, all of a sudden everything (I mean everything) made sense to me. I came back to the states in a daze because of all a sudden I knew where I felt immense peace and had to return to the place where I felt so out of place. I was not the tallest person in the crowd, I looked like everyone else, I saw the much needed balance that I do not see in the states and people really enjoy nature and their lives. I went through a major change where I overcame panic disorder, walked 12-18 miles a day and made peace with a lot of my past. I really did not like who I was in the past and I changed in and out. A look at my long blond hair is one of many ques of all this massive change. Unfortunately, I paid a price for this. I lost people who claimed to be my friend. They could not accept the changes and were intolerable to who I have become. I had to grow and grow up in some senses. I had to reclaim my swedishness because there is great responsibility in being a swede no matter where we live.

I returned for a second trip where I started to realize how strong my swedish speaking skills had become. I only spoke English three times and twice was forced because I was addressed in English and the speaker refused to speak in Swedish. Everywhere I went from asking directions, to ordering food and speaking in a variety of different scenarios, I was able to speak and communicate proficiently. I've come back from each trip speaking quicker, confidentially and blow my tutors away with my progress (their words, not mine lol).

I've realize how blessed I am to have been in sweden twice in three months when so many americans are suffering from the crumbling american economy. I've realized what I experienced many americans will never see. I've realized it is time to follow the steps of my great grandparents and take my family full circle back to sweden. I will never speak Skåneska or never fully understand why my great grandparents had to move to the states. However, I feel an immense responsibility to bring the pride and honor back to the family.

This is my favorite time of year. Crisp cool air, beautiful nature, juletomtin and St. Lucia. This year, I am purchasing a jultråd and we are decorating with swedish decorations. I hope my neighbors do not mind when we jump around the tree singing about the small frog :-. I look forward to the laughs and the joy of sharing an Alfons Åberg book with my son under the jultråd.

Welcome to my road to sweden :-